Friday, 25 July 2014

Things we have learned from The Simpsons

1. "Mittens" is a swear word.

2. A baby on board sign will make people stop intentionally ramming your car.

3. A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

4. Abraham Lincoln sold poison milk to school children.

5. Alcohol is both the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

6. ALF is back, in POG form!

7. All normal people love meat... You don't win friends with salad.

8. All pumpkins are racist.

9. All religions are pretty much the same.

10. Bart didn't do it.

11. Batman is a scientist.

12. Broccoli is one of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

13. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

14. Candle wax is good to drink before eating Guatemalan insanity peppers.

15. Can't sleep or else clowns will eat you.

16. Cartoons aren't real, they're just something made up for cheap laughs.

17. Cheeseburgers and loneliness are a dangerous mix.

18. Cheeseburgers are more of a weekend thing.

19. Come on down to Uncle Moes, it's good good good good, good good good!

20. Drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

21. Early Radio programmes consisted of Thomas Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. A he'd say; then B. C would usually follow...

22. Embiggens is a perfectly cromulent word.

23. English women don’t pump gas naked.

24. Family, religion, friendship. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

25. Fonzie freed the squares.

26. Guns are for keeping the King of England out of your face.

27. Hair is not a right, it's a privilege.

28. Homer is a jock, not a nerd.

29. Homer is so smart, S-M-R-T--I mean S-M-A-R-T.

30. Homer put the ool in the word cool.

31. Homer would get up but the boy crippled him.

32. If something is hard to do, it's not worth doing.

33. If something unexplainable happens in a TV show, book or film, a wizard did it.

34. If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

35. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

36. If you get money for doing nothing it’s because the Democrats are in power.

37. If you live in a houseboat you can pull up the anchor and sail away if you hate your neighbours.

38. If you want to know where to find the brownies, George Harrison is the perfect person to ask.

39. In New York, they call hamburgers "steamed hams."

40. In sporting events it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.

41. In theory, Communism works.

42. Instead of calling it a "garage," its proper name is "car hole."

43. Iron helps you play.

44. It’s unpossible for Ralph to fail English.

45. Jimmy Carter is history’s greatest monster.

46. Justice is not a frivolous thing, for it has very little to do with a disobedient whale.

47. Krusty likes to play with YOU!

48. Lies make baby Jesus cry.

49. Males aren't hard to tame, they just follow their video cartridges.

50. Man has been searching for a Silver Irishman since the dawn of time.

51. Men have the right to marry their cousins.

52. Missouri will never be a true state.

53. Nickels used to be nicknamed "Bees" because they had pictures of bumblebees on them.

54. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby... maybe Texas.

55. No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

56. Nothing gets Chocolate out.

57. On St. Patrick’s Day everyone is a little Irish expect for the gays and the Italians.

58. Only someone who didn't see a movie would ask you if you are sick of seeing it.

59. Presidents used to spank naughty children until the Cows came home.

60. Purple is a fruit.

61. Skinner is a nut, and has a rubber butt.

62. Skinner's posterior is nothing but flesh and bone and that metal plate he got in 'Nam.

63. Some of us pull a few boners now and then, go all half-cocked, and make asses of ourselves.

64. Souls are just something parents made up to scare kids, like the Bogeyman or Michael Jackson.

65. Spilling sugar all over the counter at a bar is apparently a lot worse than getting a snake bite, and lighting your tie on fire (while wearing alcohol soaked clothes.) In fact you will automatically be banned from said bar.

66. Styrofoam is not made from kittens.

67. Texas left is down.

68. That Seymour Skinner is really Armin Tamzarian.

69. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

70. The best way to discipline an unruly child is to grab him by the neck while shouting, "Why, you little - !"

71. The dean of the college is a stupidhead.

72. The lesson is to never try.

73. The Metric System is the tool of the devil.

74. The only ship worth a damn is friendship.

75. The word "twenty" was once stolen by the Kaiser and had to be temporarily replaced with the word "dickety."

76. There’s a New Mexico.

77. There's a Ned Flanders in every neighbourhood.

78. Thomas Edison invented the six legged chair.

79. Throwing a huge silo of pig crap in a lake will cause the whole lake to get severely polluted and the town will end up being covered by a giant glass dome.

80. Tickets to a baseball game give you the right, no, the duty to make complete asses of yourself.

81. Todd doesn't want any damn vegetables.

82. Troy McClure sleeps with the fishes.

83. Trying is the first step towards failure.

84. Universities are not "hotbeds" of anything.

85. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.

86. Wearing an onion on your belt used to be the height of fashion.

87. Whacking Day was just an excuse to beat up the Irish. And a fine job they did, too.

88. When a fire starts to burn there's a lesson you must learn. Something something then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe.

89. When you sneeze, that’s your soul trying to escape. Saying “God bless you” crams it back in.

90. Without Beer, Prohibition doesn’t work.

91. Won't someone please think of the children?!

92. You can become a booze hound at 15.

93. You can use statistics to prove anything. 40% of people know that.

94. Your underwear holds the answer to all the important questions.

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